When elders drive

My car got hit last weekend, by an elderly gentleman in a hurry, whose eyesight may not have been the greatest, and who was distracted by a task.  I am very glad no one got hurt, and the car is repairable.  But it has been interesting to hear the reactions of my friends and relatives.  They ranged from concern for the elderly gentleman (because such events tend to shake up elders more than youngsters), to expressed opinions that he should have his driver’s license taken away (because, “what if that had been a child?”).  The problem is, both concerns are valid.

As people get older, some of us find our body and/or our mind does not function quite as well as it once did.  [Don't you love the way I gently phrased that?     ]  This feels scary!   It usually means we have to slow down a little, and/or our independence becomes limited.  People are afraid of where that might lead, so they hold on to as much control as they can.  One very big area is being able to drive, especially if they live in an area where public transportation is not good or non-existent (such as ours).  Even in areas where there is decent public transportation (such as Southern California), if a person is used to driving all their life, by the time they get older they may not be able to manage the concept of time tables and routes.   My mother lost her sight in one eye, so was restricted to driving only during the day.  Later she had trouble with cataracts, but she kept that fact hidden from the Department of Motor Vehicles by memorizing the eye chart, and continued to drive for another five to seven years.  She finally quit driving when she moved to a new area, and did not have all the routes memorized.  A lot of elders will do anything to keep their driver’s license, because that loss of control and independence is frightening.  However, it is a gradual change; it is not always obvious when they cross that line into un-safe driving.  Many continue driving until law enforcement or their doctor takes their license away from them.

The argument that they are endangering others by continuing to drive is valid.  My accident happened in a residential neighborhood, where there are lots of families.  The official speed limit is 25 miles per hour, but I drive at 15-20 mph, because you never know when a kid might dart out into the street.  No matter how much of a hurry you are in, or how distracted by a task, you need to drive safely. 

I value my independence.  But when someday (years from now!) it becomes obvious I cannot drive safely, I hope I have the determination and strength to give up my driver’s license, and figure out other ways to get around.  If you are behind me as I get on the Dial-a-Ride bus, please be patient as I climb those few steps!   

Whom do I thank for my cup of hot tea?

This week during the drive to work, I sipped organic jasmine green tea from a travel cup, and it was SO good.  On a very cold morning, that warm beverage was what I needed.  I felt thankful.

Whom do I thank for this warm tea?  Well, Deity might be my first choice, because that covers everyone/everything involved.  But if you get specific, there are thousands, probably millions of people/entities who had a part in me drinking tea from that cup.

There is everything involved with the tea itself: people who cleared the land to plant the tea, who made the tools to clear the land, who provided the raw materials to make the tools, who provided the power sources used to make the tools, who transported the tools to the site, who provided the food for the people who cleared the land, who provided shelter for the workers, and on and on and we haven’t even gotten to the part about planting the tea.  :-)

I imagine you see where I am going with this.  Add in all the people to grow and process the tea, and the various devas and nature entities involved with weather, soil, growth, et cetera.  The people/entities involved with shipping (and everything that made shipping possible, such as fuel production), and packaging, and marketing, and storage, et cetera. A VAST web involved in just the tea itself!  Now add in my ability to heat water in a tea kettle (several vast webs there), and the vast web behind my travel mug.

What it comes down to is people and entities from probably every continent on Earth (except perhaps Antarctica?), AND the involvement of the Universe (the Sun, creation of the Earth and Moon, et cetera), had a part in me drinking that cup of tea.

We are all part of a vast web of life, folks.  Which is why health care matters.  Why water rights in other countries matter.  Why human rights and animal rights matter.  Why global warming matters.  Why debt in Greece matters and AIDS work in Africa matters.  We are all connected.  Even if you don’t care from a humanitarian point of view, you ought to care from a selfish point of view.  Once upon a time people grew their own food, produced their own items to survive; for 99.99999% of the planet that is not the way it works anymore.  If you don’t want it to go back to that (could you survive —  really?), you better start caring about more than just you and yours.

Thank you, Everyone, for my cup of tea.  

Do you journal?

I began journaling in high school.  I was broke, and discovered the larger spiral notebooks worked just fine.  Some days I wrote pages, and sometimes it was months between entries.  That was when I discovered fountain pens with cartridges.  It was possible to get inexpensive pens that didn’t leak (Parker was my favorite), and the feel of the ink meeting the paper as I wrote was a treat (quite different from ballpoint pens, which most people used then).  I often doodled on the paper margins, usually flowers or geometric shapes (am not much of an artist). 

Jump forward about twenty years.  Circumstances had been such that there was no time for journaling, nor was it exactly safe.  But I again felt the need to examine my life.  People journal for different reasons, but often I hear it is way of letting thoughts and emotions pour out of you.  Often in the process of writing, you better understand how you feel about a thing, and perhaps the basis for those feelings.  It can be simply a listing of the things you did that day, but in the process you discover which things you enjoyed, which things bothered you, and it gives you a chance to get to know yourself better.  One of the things we now know about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), is that we are better able to integrate the experiences into our lives (and heal) if we talk about them.  The first time we talk about it with someone else can be pretty scary, but writing it may seem easier.  It also incorporates the back-and-forth eye movements that assist in healing, as in Eye Movement Desensitizing and Reprocessing (EMDR).

My return to journaling was with another large spiral notebook.        While I was living by myself, someone gave me a 5″x8″ bound, lined journal, and that was a leap forward.  The idea my thoughts could be in something more permanent, like a book, was a way of seeing value in my opinions — in my life.  I remember discovering the large-format, cloth-bound, lined journals; Borders sold them for $3.99 to $7.99, depending on the thickness.  (Thank goodness I bought several before Borders went out of business!)  There is plenty of room to write, to paste in photos/ticket stubs/fortune cookie fortunes/whatever, and to draw.  I even paste in my blog entries.         [The cover of my current journal is decorated with a drawing from a calendar by Wayne Bricco, a local artist.]

Some people prefer electronic blogs, and that’s cool, too.  That way you can incorporate music; create a soundtrack for your life.        You could create video journals.  The possibilities are endless.

Do you journal?  What is your prefered medium?  Why do you journal?

Self-harming behavior

The other day I was sitting in my office, hearing a conversation going on in the front lobby.  Several women were discussing someone they know who engages in self-harming behavior.  One of the comments was, “She does it when she wants attention.”  It was all I could do to remain in my chair; I wanted to go out and correct her, but it was not my conversation and would not have done any good.  

Have you ever read an on-line article that so perfectly captured what you want to say in as few words as possible, that you wanted to copy and paste (even with citations)?  I found such an article on self-harming behavior at HelpGuide.org: Cutting and Self Harm.  While I write briefly about self-harming here, they cover it much better.  Please go there if you have any interest in the topic whatsoever.

Self-harming is not attention-seeking behavior.  In fact, most people (females and males) do it in secret because they are ashamed of it or do not want to be looked at askance.   Children and adults who do it are not crazy or dangerous — they are experiencing anxiety, depression, and/or PTSD just like millions of other people.  They are not trying to kill themselves, they are trying to cope.  In fact, this may be a coping mechanism that helps them go on living.  The amount or type of self-injury does not indicate the depth of their pain; even minor scratches can indicate a need for serious help.  Self-harming is often done by cutting, but it can also involve burning and other forms of self-injury.

Why do people self harm?  It helps them cope.  It helps them express emotions they can’t put into words; release tension; feel more in control (when life feels out of control); distracts them from thoughts, feelings, and situations; relieves guilt/punishes themselves; and for people who have dealt with circumstances by numbing out, it helps them feel alive again.  It’s not a healthy coping mechanism, but as long as they keep the process clean and treat the wounds, it is probably less unhealthy than smoking a cigarette.   While the mechanism can be safely managed, it is the underlying emotional and psychological pain that worries me.

There are healthier things you can do to help yourself if you self-harm.  First, it can help to confide in someone.  Be sure it is someone you can trust, who won’t gossip about you or start constantly telling you what to do.  Would probably be a good idea to talk with an adult who is more removed from what is going on (a teacher, counselor, or therapist), and won’t freak out by what you disclose.  Second, figure out why you self-harm.  What are the emotions or situations that trigger your self-harming behavior?  Third, figure out healthier ways to cope with those emotions and situations.  That’s where it helps to figure out what you hope to accomplish with the self-harm — to express intense emotions, to calm and soothe, to feel more alive, to release tension, or whatever.  I remember a client who felt soothed by the sight of her blood.  Drawing on herself with a red marker didn’t do it, nor did scraping an ice-cube over her skin.  But when she froze beet juice with a little flour mixed in to thicken it, and rubbed that across her skin, the thick, red liquid satisfied her need.  Finally, you may need professional help to overcome the self-harm habit, and perhaps deal with the underlying issues.   This is something I would strongly urge, but I do recognize that therapy is not always an option.

It is important to remember you are not alone.  You can get help for the self-harming, and for the emotions and situations that have created the need.  If you know or suspect you know someone who self-harms, I suggest again you visit the site I mentioned above.  If you self-harm, visit that site.  There is also a hotline for help:  (800) 366-8288 (in the U.S.).   There are people who care.  

May you be safe.

Anticipation (2012)

[Cue the Carole King song, "Anticipation."  In 1979, Heinz Ketchup made a classic commercial about waiting for ketchup to come out of the bottle, with a background of Carole King's song.  We didn't even have a television at the time, but I remember that commercial.  I can't even think of the word without her song running through my head.    ]

2012 is here.  People have been talking about 2012 and what might happen for years.  Movies have been made about it, books have been written about it, and even people who normally show no inclination to discuss the paranormal are talking about it.  It has become so over-discussed, it is a little like the Celine Dion song, “My Heart Will Go On.”  It is a great song, but after the radio stations played it every 15 minutes for days, you heard the song begin and thought, Not that again! 

A couple years ago I attended a training taught by a woman who worked with Mayan people in Guatemala; in the process she became good friends with a Mayan spiritual leader.  The Mayan wise woman came to the U.S., and was bemused by all the talk about 2012.  She works with that calendar (on a practical basis), and she kept telling people here, It is just the end of a cycle!  There will be change, but the world is not going to end.

My favorite calendar is “We’Moon,” produced by Mother Tongue Ink in Oregon.  It is very nature-centered, keeping an eye on patterns, environmental concerns, and how we can all work together to make a difference in the world.  Heather Roan Robbins wrote an article about the astrological implications in 2012, and said, “This year is a turning point.  It is not an end, as some predict; we cannot get out of our evolutionary homework that quickly.  Time spirals; it’s the beginning of a new cycle . . . ” (p.21).  She goes on to write about the focus on change, and how this will make some people uneasy, and inspire a longing for history and traditions — the way things were.

The thing is, you can’t stop this sort of change.  History makes that clear over and over.  Remember the Bob Dylan song, “The Times They Are A-Changin“?  When the tide of change is happening, don’t try to stop it, or it will destroy you.  What you can do is help guide it in what you see as healthy directions.   Big Business knows this, which is why they have been creating channels of thought to divert this energy in their favor.  Businesses like Dow and Monsanto plan decades in advance, and have contingency plans for every possibility.  Meanwhile, the average person is just struggling to survive. 

The interesting thing is I have not been thinking about 2012.  But one day last week I woke with a sense of anticipation, and it hasn’t gone away.  I want to see what is going to happen.       I want to watch, listen, and speak up as needed, to help guide the changes in healthy directions.  One average voice may not be enough to make a difference, but put it together with thousands of people who want the world to be a better place, and we will roar.  Let’s take charge of our lives.  Let’s get excited about 2012!

Intentions vs Resolutions

I know — I’ve been writing a lot about words and how we use them.  As humans, one of our defining characteristics IS our ability to speak, and how we use language to convey meaning and influence others.  Consider people like Gandhi, or even Hitler, and what they did with words.  And that’s not even touching on the trillions of authors and speakers who have shared wonderful and horrific ideas through words.  When I was a child I discovered the Oxford English Dictionary; I spent hours in the library reading about words, their meanings and where they came from. 

It being a new year, I have been considering intentions versus resolutions.  Most everyone I know dislikes resolutions.  You make them at the beginning of the year, and 30% of people have broken them by the end of January.  Resolutions are so firm and unyielding.

Resolution:  noun 1a firm decision to do or not to do something 1b a formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on by a legislative body or other formal meeting, typically after taking a vote  2 [mass noun] the quality of being determined or resolute  3 [mass noun] the action of solving a problem or contentious matter  4 Music the passing of a discord into a concord during the course of changing harmony 5 Medicine the disappearance of a symptom or condition.

Resolutions are pretty firm.   The word reminds me of Yoda’s comment, “Do or do not.  There is no try.”

Consider the word “intention:” noun 1a thing intended; an aim or plan  1b [mass noun] the action or fact of intending  1c (someone’s intentions) a person’s plans, especially a man’s, in respect to marriage 2 Medicine the healing process of a wound. 3 (intentions) Logic conceptions formed by directing the mind towards an object.

This one has more possibility of change, perhaps.  One of my mom’s sayings was, The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Suggesting that intentions mean nothing, it is what you do that counts.  Makes sense to me.  However, that line of reasoning also brings to mind the movie “Dogma.”    One of the characters talks about how wars and other unpleasant things happen because people believe in a dogma so strongly,  they are willing to kill (or die) for it.  Whereas ideas invite listening, and discussion, and maybe reaching a place of agreement.  Maybe the other person will change their mind, maybe you will, but as long as there is discussion there is always the possibility of improvement without people getting killed.

Maybe success in change means leaving room for flexibility.  Crazy Aunt Purl recently wrote about all the walking she does, and pointed out that last January she didn’t do any.  Now she walks 5-7 miles every day.  If she had given up last January because she did not keep a resolution, that might never have happened.  But she kept the intention alive, and eventually it bore fruit. 

So this year I am setting intentions.  Am hoping the lack of guilt (versus the guilt that seems to cling to resolutions) will lead to success.   Will see . . . .     

Lazy or Relaxed?

I’ve been considering the idea of laziness, and I thought perhaps it was time to look up the actual meaning of “lazy” and “relaxed.”   Here is what I found on Dictionary.com:

Lazy:  adjective 1. averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent. 2. causing idleness or indolence: a hot, lazy afternoon. 3. slow-moving; sluggish: a lazy stream.

Relaxed:  adjective 1. being free of or relieved from tension or anxiety: in a relaxed mood. 2. not strict; easy; informal: the relaxed rules of the club.

I began looking up synonyms of those words, and found a LOT more with judgmental meanings:  lackadaisical, indifferent, apathetic, lethargic, complaisant, listless, indolent, sluggish.  Ugh!  I looked up indolent, because it was an interesting word that sort of rolled off the tongue:

Indolent:  adjective 1. having or showing a disposition to avoid exertion; slothful: an indolent person.

Sigh.  More judgment.

I asked friends if anyone knew of a book that deals with the idea of laziness being a cultural concept.  One friend wondered if laziness is a choice, like boredom, and made the religious connection.  (The Bible is full of disparaging remarks about sloth, and I’m told similar things show up in other religious texts.)  Another friend suggested it was more of a Western European concept, that a person is lazy if they are not doing something physically useful.  I come from a Scots/German background, and I know there was an emphasis on always doing something useful.   That may be one of the reasons knitting first appealed to me, because I could watch DVDs or spend time waiting somewhere, and still be doing something practical. 

There is a book called The Joy of Laziness: Why Life is Better Slower — and How to Get There, by Peter Axt and Michaela Axt-Gadermann (2003).  Peter Axt is a former member of the German Track and Field Association, and is a health scientist (Ph.D.).  His daughter, Michaela Axt-Gadermann, is a medical doctor.  Their research is health oriented, citing studies that suggest too much exercise can make you sick, how being relaxed makes you smarter, and how people who get 8-9 hours of sleep per night are better able to cope with life (and live longer).  They use the word “lazy” in the title and throughout much of the book, but what they are really talking about is “relaxed.” 

Thinking back, there have been times when I didn’t want to do something because it was tedious or seemed like busy-work. (Such as making sure the books on library shelves are all in order; helpful to users, yes, but tedious to the extreme.  Although I did discover some interesting books that way.)  Yes, I was being lazy.  However, my husband points out we both have full-time jobs and pay all our bills, so we probably are not really lazy.  Perhaps I just have a more relaxed attitude toward life (and housework, and getting ahead, and all of that stuff).  There is a difference between being present and ready at your job when you are needed, and doing busy-work (just in case the boss happens to see you).  There is a difference between making a 15-minute task last 75 minutes (when more calls are coming in), and occasionally reading a book or knitting when your tasks are all caught up and you have a bit of “down” time.  I’m not averse to work, I just don’t see that drive to always be working as a virtue.  (One of those loaded value words, again.)      Many people do strange things, but in mental health it is only considered a problem if it bothers them or the people they are around on a regular basis.   Perhaps it is the same way with being relaxed. 

The next time that voice in my head (my mom?) chides me for not doing useful things all the time, I will stop and consider.  If I am being lazy, I will do something about it.  But if I am being relaxed, I will claim that word, and suggest the voice back off.         I can almost see the confused look on my mother’s face.

Today’s word is Passion

I have an extra day off today, and decided I would be lazy.  (Am still going to write that blog entry about laziness.  Eventually.   )  It is rainy and windy, so I laid in bed watching, “Fools Rush In” (1996).  It is one of my favorite movies, not because it is a romantic comedy, but because it speaks to me of passion.  It contains one of my favorite movie lines: “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted!”  That’s how I feel about my husband.    The male lead, Alex Whitman (Matthew Perry), is a WASP with money and a job he loves.  Enter Isabela Fuentes (Salma Hayek), a passionate Hispanic woman who is creating a photography book about the desert around Las Vegas, and has a birth family she loves.   Alex says that line to Isabela; she turns his life upside down with her passion.  Colors, music, laughter, tears, dance, taking chances, and paying attention to “signs.” 

I so admire creative people, people who live their life with passion.  I have a Scots/German background, and passion was looked at somewhat askance by my family.  Do well in school, get a job that will pay the bills, don’t call attention to yourself.  Even as a kid I wanted to break out of that mold; my mother shook her head a lot at the things I said or did.  (Aunt Jeannette eyed my tattoos with supreme disdain.)  I was often torn between wanting to please the important people in my life, and being myself.  I read a lot of books about people who lived life with passion.  Sometimes they succeeded, sometimes it ended in tears, but they embraced life.  They didn’t always stick with the safe route.  Recently I read a novel about a man who leaves England to live in Casablanca:  The Caliph’s House, by Tahir Shah (2006).  He and his family take a chance, and there is blood, anger, frustration, confusion, and lost money, along with good friendships, laughter, sweet smells, exquisite mosaics, and lives changed.   When I first began reading the book, I kept putting it down because of the culture clash and frustration.  But something kept making me pick up the book and continue reading, and now I realize it was because he was living his life with passion.

My personal tarot card for this year is The Lovers.  It is about choice and relationships.  Already I have been considering the choices I will make in 2012.   I will choose to take some chances.  I will choose to live my life with passion.  There have already been “signs” I am making the right choice, such as the new tarot deck “The Illuminated Tarot” by Carol Herzer, and a beautiful necklace that will help me deal with emotions and all the Emperor card means, and a hummingbird that sat on my fence in the midst of wind to stare at me.        Am not sure what forms it will take, and it will surely mean tears mixed with the joy, but I choose to live my life with Passion!   So mote it be.

How we use words

In my 20s I became aware of how people used words to indoctrinate.  In the 1960s and 1970s there was a lot of discussion about how the dominant culture writes about history, to make them look like the “good” guys and the people they dominated as “bad.”   Even the terms “good” and “bad” were called into question — good or bad based on which values?  If you adhere to a specific religion, things are defined according to how current leaders interpret the texts.  However, if you have decided all paths with compassion, tolerance, and respect for all life are valid, the guidelines become less definitive.

Those are big issues, but the idea carries into the small areas of everyday life.  Someone once called my young son stubborn; I countered that stubborn is another way of saying determined, and determination is a trait that would take him far some day.  Twenty-five years later, I am proved right.        But at that moment, it did make the person pause and reconsider her viewpoint.  The trick is to take that determination and season it with attitudes that open the door to pragmatism and compromise.  

“Compromise” — there is another word that falls in and out of favor, depending on your attitude (or more recently, your political viewpoint).    There are people so rigid in their views that the idea of compromise suggests defeat.  If you cobble together a compromise made of the weakest points of each argument, it will surely lead to defeat for all.  But seek to create a win-win solution with strength; you may not get all you hoped for, but if it creates a space of peace and prosperity, you have the opening to talk with others about the changes you hope to make.  If the ideas have merit, people will lean in that direction.  And in the meantime, life will be better for more people. 

“Tolerance” is another loaded word.  I saw a bumper sticker: “Tolerance is not a virtue.”   I felt badly for that individual.  To see things so firmly as black or white, that he has cut off any possibility for reaching out to the very people he says he cares for.  I remember the argument:  Hate the sin, not the sinner.  But again, you set up an atmosphere of judgment that precludes anyone even considering the worth of your values.  Fear only makes people behave if they think someone is watching (and cares); actions born of love from your heart and tolerance have the gentle strength of water wearing down rock.

Recently I’ve been considering the words “lazy” and “relaxed.”  There are so many preconceived notions around those words, most having to do with the family and culture we were raised in.  I may write another whole entry about those words.      Meanwhile, I encourage you to look at both sides of the words you use.   Is there judgment couched in a word or how you use it?  Does being a good business-person mean only considering money, or also the social costs?  “Virtue” is also a loaded word, because one person’s virtue (such as a woman having no contact with males outside her family) is another person’s repression.   A “creative imagination” may mean lying or making up stories versus being open to all the wonder that is around us.  I try to examine how I use words, but do not always succeed in seeing both sides before they come out of my mouth.  I am open to learning.    

PS    Happy New Year!

Circle of friends

No, this is not about the Irish movie.  This is about having a circle of friends you can talk with.  Often such circles are born during our high school or college years, forged by proximity, shared tasks, and seeing people on a daily basis.  Sometimes the circles survive graduation, more often they do not.  I still have a few friends from my college years, and I value them highly.   We may forge other circles based on jobs, hobbies, religion, politics, and other shared interests.  Sometimes those friendships survive changed circumstances, sometimes not.  It is okay to have temporary circles — you can learn a lot from each other, and about yourself.  Change happens, and it is healthy to let go of relationships that no longer work for you. 

What I am thinking of today are circles of friends that last, that survive even changed circumstances.  I suspect these are rare.  I am most fortunate to be part of two such circles, and in each instance those people have become the family of my heart.  The first circle began about twenty years ago, and grew out of a shared workplace and a shared hobby.  We played role-playing games together, and occasionally still do.  Several role-playing wives are part of the circle (I am one of those), and children have grown up (or are growing up) and into the circle.  We have learned not to discuss politics or religion, respecting each person’s beliefs and caring for them too much to let that get in the way.  We sit around the fire and talk about important things and silly things.  We know what we say there stays within the circle.  I love these people.

The other family of my heart is where that phrase first came from.  We meet on-line, and only a few of us have actually gotten to meet each other in person.  Our initial reason for getting together was tarot, and a certain attitude of wanting to learn about life, and being able to share ideas respectfully even when we disagreed.   The group was founded in 2001; I joined in 2005.  It was initially public, but as years went by and we began sharing more about ourselves, the owner decided to make the group private.  A few people have joined since then, because someone recommended them.   We do discuss politics and spirituality, but we agree to disagree respectfully.        We live in different countries, have different jobs, different relationships, different hobbies, different outlooks on life.  I have learned so much in our on-line conversations!  We share thoughts and funny things and things that make our blood boil, and we ask what each other thinks.  I love these people, too.

Friendship takes time, effort, trust, and respect.  As much as I am a hermit, it is important to seek friendship; it is how we survive, learn, and grow as people  It is okay if the friendship doesn’t work out — let it go without judgment, and be thankful for what you may have learned.  Do not presume too much on friendship, because it may not be strong enough to handle the pressure.  As cliché as it sounds, friendship is a gift.  As 2011 closes, I am so thankful for these two circles of friends, these families of my heart