Is the world a better place because you are in it?

This morning memories of a person popped into my head, and I found myself thinking, sadly, “The world is a better place without you in it.” 

I try very hard not to be judgmental, and I don’t always succeed.  But I can usually find something positive about most everyone.  Having studied psychology, am well aware people tend to be the product of their childhood, and many get a rough start.  I am also aware we can decide what to do with what life gave us.  Understanding why a person acts in unacceptable ways does not give them a free pass to act that way. 

The key is what people do with what they have.  Being a positive force in the world doesn’t require money (although it helps    ).  Making the world a better place is mostly about attitude — things like smiling at people, being polite, taking responsibility for your actions, being kind, being considerate, picking up your trash, doing your job, that sort of thing.   There are many “lights” in the world who are heroes, and would never see themselves that way.  They make the world a better place.

Is the world a better place because you are in it?

.

PS  I have been knitting, and doing things (like going to Fair) and will write about those — eventually.      Sometimes there are more things to do than time to do them. 

Bullies: Beyond the school yard

Bullying (from Wikipedia):

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.^[2][3] The “imbalance of power” may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a “target”.

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. The UK currently has no legal definition of bullying,^[4] while some U.S. states have laws against it.^[5]

Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex bullying in which the bully may have one or more ‘lieutenants’ who may seem to be willing to assist the primary bully in his or her bullying activities. Bullying in school and the workplace is also referred to as peer abuse.^[6] Robert W. Fuller has analyzed bullying in the context of rankism.

Bullying can occur in any context in which human beings interact with each other. This includes school, church, family, the workplace, home, and neighborhoods. It is even a common push factor in migration. Bullying can exist between social groups, social classes, and even between countries (see jingoism). In fact, on an international scale, perceived or real imbalances of power between nations, in both economic systems and in treaty systems, are often cited as some of the primary causes of both World War I and World War II.^[7][8]          

This is one of the best definitions of bullying I have found.  Many think it happens only to school-age children, but like domestic violence it is a form of power and control that is used a LOT more widely than people want to believe.  I especially appreciate that last paragraph (I put it in bold).

Gossip can be a form of bullying.  You may not be able to stop hearing it, but you can stop repeating it.  Facebook, Twitter, and other social media are often used to bully, with photos and innuendos.  Employers get away with bullying, because in this economy few people are willing to lose their jobs.  Advertising can be a form of bullying, when they imply you are stupid or “less than” because you don’t use their products. 

People can have any opinions they want, and there is nothing wrong with logical argument and appeals to someone’s better nature.  But when people try to make others feel badly or scared to make them do something, that is flat out wrong.  No matter who does it.

Don’t misuse “gay” and “rape”

Every generation misuses certain words that irritate older generations.  When I was a young teen it was “bitchen” (something great).  But in the last few years they have begun misusing words that have more serious consequences: “gay” and “rape.”

I’ve heard kids and young adults use the word “gay,” such as, “That’s so gay,” when something is bad or wrong.  The original meaning of “gay” was happy or light-hearted.  Now it more often means someone who is homosexual, usually a male.  By using the word as a pejorative, they label homosexuality as bad or wrong.  This is homophobia, and some of the kids doing it do not even realize it.  I’m not going to tell people how to think, but I’m going to call them on their public language, and gay bashing is not something I will ignore.  Usually I say something like, “What do you mean by that?” or “Do you know what ‘gay’ means?”  I ask if they meant to be hurtful.  Then I suggest they use a different word to express themselves.  A couple nights ago I objected to someone using that phrase while we ran a World of Warcraft (WoW) dungeon, and we had a brief, heated discussion about it.  Then we continued playing.  Think about what you are saying, and realize people will not tolerate harassment.

I’ve also heard kids and young adults use the word “rape,” when what they mean is someone is doing something they don’t like (teasing, bullying).  They also use it when they talk about dominating something or someone, which is at least an acknowledgment of the power and control that is at the core of rape.  But rape is not a word to use lightly.  The crime of rape destroys lives, families, cultures, and nations.  It is a brutal act that dehumanizes.  When people talk about the way human greed is raping the Earth, they are talking about serious damage that will last many generations and may not be repaired.  Rape is not a joking matter. 

Last night, again in a WoW dungeon, someone made an offhand third-person comment: “(Character’s name) rapes (a bystanding non-player character).”    I was shocked, so much so that I almost left the group right then.  I should have.   Instead, I called them on their crude comment, and a 15 minute multi-person discussion ensued.   The person who made the comment acknowledged it was crude, but articulately defended himself by saying something to the effect that “rape” is a colloquial term used to mean power and domination over someone or something else.   It was an intelligent answer, but that did not justify using the word in such an off-handed manner.  Rape is not something to speak lightly of.

There is already a lot of hate in the world.  Please don’t add to it by lightly using words in a hateful way.

Namaste.

zenhabits’ “Simplify,” by Leo Babauta

I enjoy reading blogs.   Blog entries inspire me, make me laugh, make me angry, make me happy, and help me learn.   Today I added “zenhabits“, by Leo Babauta, to my Bloglist.   The first entry I read impressed me:  “Simplify.”

“Simplify” is only 642 words long, but lists nine very basic ways to simplify your life.  Seven of them cost no money at all, and the other two are so inexpensive they will save you money.  It is beautiful, easy to read, and inspiring.  In a very simple way.      Please take a few minutes to read it.

“Simplify“

Waiting . . .

As a child, waiting for that gift-giving occasion when you’ve asked for something special.  Waiting for dinner when you are hungry now.  Being told, “Wait until your father gets home!” when you’ve done something wrong.  Waiting for your parent(s) to stop where there is a toilet, when you really have to go.    We have all had training in waiting.  Children under the age of two years do not have a concept of time — everything is now or never.  Between the ages of two and seven years, children begin to understand time, although it is still for short periods (days rather than weeks); by the time they are eleven they can think in terms of years.  But does the waiting ever get easier?

Research tells us if we had our needs responded to quickly when we were infants and toddlers, we tend to see the world as a friendly place that will meet our needs, and the waiting is easier.  There was a time when they thought that was spoiling the child, and there are still non-responsive parents, so there are a lot of us out in the world who were raised to see the world as unpredictable or unavailable.   For people like that, waiting is much more difficult.

Fortunately waiting is something we can still learn to deal with as adults.  I’ve gotten pretty good at it.     Women who have been pregnant and had a child get a very basic lesson in waiting during those months of gestation.  Good friends are expecting their first child, and I had to laugh at the photo they posted on Facebook, with the caption, “Let’s get this party started!”  

People deal with waiting in various ways.  Often they use distraction — thinking about or working on something else while they wait.  The smaller the anticipated event, the easier it is to distract.  Having a definite date to look forward to also helps.  But it is those events totally out of our control that become difficult.   I have caught myself thinking I am handling the waiting just fine, when my body begins reacting to the stress.  That’s when I used a variety of conscious meditation and grounding techniques, to let the stress go.  Usually it works. 

What are your thoughts on waiting?  Does it irritate you?  Can you handle it?  If you do handle it, how do you do it?

“Larry Crowne” (2011)

Have you ever wanted to “reinvent” yourself?  Maybe realized life isn’t quite going the way you want?  Or life hands you some set-backs, and you think, “What do I do now?” 

I don’t think Larry Crowne (played by Tom Hanks) set out to reinvent himself, but that’s what happened.  His marriage ended, he lost his job (at a place called “UMart” — heh), and he’s about to lose his house.  He wants to work, but it looks like he needs more education, and he’s realizing he may have to expand his job skills.  He goes to his local community college, and between the classes and the other students, his horizons are broadened.  He redefines his idea of the American Dream.  At the end he may be cooking breakfast in ”the world’s smallest kitchen,” but you know he’s going to make it. 

The script is written by Tom Hanks and Nia Vardalos (“My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding”), so it is full of humor the way real life is funny.  Hanks also directs the movie.  I’ve been a fan of Tom Hanks ever since “Bosom Buddies.”  He’s authentic, he has class, and I’ll watch any movie he’s in.  Am also fond of the actress who plays Mercedes Tainot, his speech professor at the college:  Julia Roberts.  Have liked her ever since “Pretty Woman,” and seen most of her movies.    Ms. Tainot does some reinventing of her own in this movie, tho’ maybe it is more rediscovering.  Another student, Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), helps him update his image and his attitude.   I’d LOVE to have a personal stylist like her!     George Takei plays Dr. Ed Matsutani (economics professor) and is a lot of fun.  And Bryan Cranston plays Ms. Tainot’s husband, the sort of jerk you are happy to see get arrested (“I’m just a guy, being a guy who’s a guy!”).  Thing is, none of these characters are two-dimensional — this is a well-written movie.

Last night we watched the deleted scenes and supplemental material, and it reminded me Julia Roberts is also a knitter.      They filmed one silly thing they did to surprise her, where she walks into a large room and most the cast and crew are knitting!   LOL    Of course, someone else started the projects and handed them out, but a few of the people are actually knitting.

“Larry Crowne” is billed as a comedy/drama/romance.  It’s also a look at life in the United States today.  It’s a fun movie that makes you think.  The DVD is 98 minutes, and rated PG-13 (for brief strong language and some sexual content).  On a scale of 1-5, I’d give it a 4.3.   I really like this movie.  

Is the concept of “disadvantaged” created by Big Business?

Advantaged or disadvantaged?  A couple days ago I wrote about a domestic violence training where Dawn Watkins (Director, Humboldt DV Services) talked about power, privilege, and oppression, and how that supports (or even encourages) tolerance for domestic violence.  Dawn talked about how being part of a rural community, off the beaten track, and in hilly terrain, leaves Del Norte and some of the neighboring counties at a disadvantage when it comes to things like medical care, law enforcement response, communications, and travel options.  One of the trainees said she was uncomfortable with the term, “disadvantaged.”  Her people have been living in this area for thousands of years, hunting, fishing, growing food, raising families, and had everything they needed for a good life.  It was interesting listening to the two of them talk about their ideas with open give-and-take.

Mentally looking for a bridge between their outlooks, I found myself thinking of “disadvantaged” or “underdeveloped” areas, where various people have come in and said something like,”Here, let us make things better for you.”  Sometimes they are well-meaning people, like missionaries, social workers, politicians, educators, and health workers.  Better health care is really the only advantage I can wholeheartedly endorse, and even then we have to be mindful of how that will affect their spirituality and other related traditions.  In the other areas, when does the tinkering with their culture stop?  Sometimes it becomes a way to further oppress those without power.

My mind jumped to cultures where they feel they have everything they already need for a good life.  What happens when those cultures are visited by someone from an “advantaged” or “developed” culture?  Some of the earliest explorers from European cultures were out there looking for new sources of raw materials, and new markets for the goods they were selling.  ”Look what we have — cloth, metal pots and pans, guns — you need what we have!”  They created a need where there had never been one.  Even missionaries — “You need our God, because He is more powerful and is the one, true God.”  Reading and writing are great things, but there are verbal cultures who existed just fine without them. 

There are some things, like medical care, that don’t take a lot of selling, because people want to live and be healthy.  But business in general is very good at creating a desire for their products.  Drink this beverage, you will be happy/sexy/smart/energetic/whatever.   Advertising doesn’t really sell products, they sell a way of life, and they make it look so good.  After a while, it takes serious disconnection to realize a person does not need all this stuff to be happy.  Movies and entertainment present a consumerist lifestyle as the way things should be; so does the Internet and print media.   We start to believe it.  And suddenly all those cultures who don’t have all this cool stuff look disadvantaged.  Underdeveloped.  They are a fresh market for all our products.

What do you think?

DV advocacy training: Harrington House

Last week I and a co-worker attended a domestic violence advocacy training organized by Harrington House at the main office of the Yurok Tribe.  Harrington House is an outreach of Rural Human Services here in Del Norte County (California), and is the local domestic violence shelter.  The idea of the training is to recruit volunteers to work at Harrington House.  It has also grown to be a time when local DV advocates (and judges and social workers) get together for what one presenter called “advocacy church” — when we talk about what we are doing, get inspired, and learn to be better advocates.    A big THANK YOU to Jodi Hoone and Cassie Johnson for all the work they did to make this training possible!

We met for four days.  Day One provided some of the basic information about domestic violence and what we do.  I presented a module:  Characteristics of Abusive Relationships and Addressing the Most Frequent DV Advocacy Question: “Why does she stay?”  My basis for the last half of that is an article by Sarah M. Buel, called “Fifty Obstacles to Leaving, a.k.a., Why Abuse Victims Stay.”  (Click on the title for a link to the article — it is worth reading!)  Days Two and Three we listened to presentations from other organizations about how they deal with domestic violence: law enforcement, the District Attorney, a judge, a probation officer, child welfare, rape crisis, a mediator, and a substance abuse counselor (and some of her clients).   We asked questions, and in some cases were given honest answers.   Sometimes we came away being happy to work with those organizations, and sometimes not.  (“He sure likes the sound of his own voice, doesn’t he?”)  Day Four several of the trainees shared what their programs do to help domestic violence survivors (and sometimes the batterers).   Dawn Watkins (Director, Humboldt DV Services) talked about power, privilege, and oppression, and about how we work with clients as counselors. 

Dawn finished the training by talking about self-care, which is something advocates often forget to do.  She encouraged us to read Trauma Stewardship, by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky.  Then she passed out pretty sheets of paper, and set us free to imagine who we might be and/or what we might do if we were in an “alternate universe,” where we could do anything we wanted and didn’t have to worry about making money.    I enjoyed hearing about what some of the people would do.  Several wanted to travel, one wanted to be a writer, another a stay-at-home mom, several wanted to raise their own food, and one woman wanted to do sled-dog racing.     I wrote: 

I am an artist.  I create beautiful, practical things, such as clothing, gardens, music, and pottery.  I write.  My home is spacious, uncluttered, and calming.  I barter for what I need with what I create.

Dawn suggested when things get hectic, we should remember the feeling we had when dreaming like that.  And to incorporate at least one thing from that dream in our everyday lives, to nourish our souls.

How about you?  Take a few minutes now, and imagine what you would do if money were not in the equation.  Who are you?   (And if you would like to share with us in the comments, that would be nice.) 

ITCC Tribal DV Circle

Last week I attended Inter-Tribal Council of California’s 3rd Annual Tribal Domestic Violence Circle (June 12-13).  Fortunately I attended all three of their DV Circles, and have very much enjoyed each one.  Inter-Tribal Council of California (ITCC) was formed in 1968 “to enhance the education, health, economic, cultural, and social status of all Native Americans in California.”  Smith River Rancheria was one of the founding members; there are now over 35 members.  By working together, the members have been able to accomplish more in the categories listed above. 

This year the theme was “Be a Movement for Change.”  Though we work with day-to-day specific realities, most domestic violence/sexual assault advocates realize that to make a difference we need to change the way cultures view violence, especially against women and children.  We need to help parents understand the values they pass along to their children must include respect and non-violent responses.  Speakers over the two-day Circle included Olin Jones and Anccecita Agustinez (from the California Attorney General’s Office of Native American Affairs) and Dr. Art Martinez (clinical psychologist from Shingle Springs Health Center).  ITCC’s staff presented panels and talks on a variety of subjects, such as strangulation, safe work environments, stalking, and the affect of domestic violence on children (major, especially for the unborn and infants).  There were breaks for self-care, and two delicious lunches. 

The event was at Woodlake Hotel in Sacramento.  The photos here were made on their grounds.  The rooms circle around a lake in the middle, and the grounds are lovely; they host weddings and receptions there.   Walking outdoors from one section to another, the air was perfumed with gardenia, jasmine, and roses.  I’d walk by there just to smell the air.    The rates are reasonable (so I stayed there), and the staff is very helpful.  Apparently the hotel changed hands about two months ago, so a few things are not exactly up-to-par yet.   While the grounds are well-maintained, the roses had not been dead-headed and were ripe with rose hips.  The free wifi only works if you are close to the main office.  There were two computers in the Business Center, but only one worked (and was monopolized every afternoon by a maintenance man).   Nevertheless, it was a lovely place, and I enjoyed my time there.

The last day of the Circle I managed to forget my Wholehearted Shawl in the event room, and didn’t realize it until I got home the next day.  Fortunately the organizers found it and mailed it back to me.    Thank you, Reola!  And thank you to all the people who made this event happen.  I got to know good people, and learned new things.   Am looking forward to next year!

Thinking about “drama”

I’m not thinking about the sort of drama you see in plays, movies, or on television. Rather, “a situation or sequence of events that is highly emotional, tragic, or turbulent.” from Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 2003.   This is the sort of drama you may see/hear “performed” by a relative, coworker, friend, average person in public,  . . . or maybe yourself.   It is when a situation, idea, event,  or whatever is made out to be a big deal, and every detail is discussed ad nauseam.  Opinions are pronounced and/or sought.   The event may indeed be tragic, but it is not the event itself that makes it drama, rather the way in which it is discussed. 

Cluster B personality disorders (Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic) tend to thrive on drama; it is a defining characteristic of the last three.  Sometimes people with low self-esteem also engage in drama — it makes them feel more important.  They may borrow the drama of other people. 

You may have noticed drama occurs more in some cultures than others.   It seems drama occurs more in cultures that are community or consensus oriented.  There are some consensus cultures where drama is not an obvious feature (such as Japanese culture), so this is not a blanket statement.   But in some community/consensus cultures, am wondering if drama is a way of reaching that consensus and making sure one fits in with the community?  Where every detail is examined, and opinions are requested and shared. 

What do you think?